Our story began when my husband and I got married September 9, 2006. We had tried to get pregnant from the very beginning. We both wanted a huge family. After 2 ½ years of us trying we decided to go see what could possibly be wrong. I checked out fine. My doctor recommended that Larry, my husband, go get a Semen Analysis done. His results came back that his morphology was low. His was at 7%, and normal men were usually at 60% to 70%. The doctor diagnosed Larry with a varicocele and recommended Larry get the varicocele removed. We had just switched our insurance from my company to his company’s insurance plan. At this point we are at almost 3 years of trying to conceive without any results at all. Right when our insurance was switched over and we were getting ready to schedule the surgery, we finally ended up getting pregnant!
We got pregnant on our 3 year anniversary! You could not imagine how excited we were. I couldn’t even wait for him to get home to tell him. I called him at the hospital where he works and he started crying and was in complete shock that we finally did it! This was THE MOST happiest time of our life! I had been praying nonstop for God to bless us with a baby, and I felt t his was the answer to our many prayers. I offered up Rosary after Rosary and even told God that if His will was not for us to become parents, then to point us in the direction we were supposed to be in. Well, our prayers were definitely answered!
Larry was hoping for a boy, and I of course wanted a girl. We found out we were having a boy, and all that about me wanting a girl went out of the window! I was so excited about my little man! We were so excited we were finally pregnant, that we went to Target and bought baby stuff. We even started buying diapers and little outfits. At 16 weeks I had a little spotting. I have never been so scared in my entire life. I was at work and left immediately and called Larry to meet me at the hospital. They examined me and everything was fine, the baby’s heart rate was in the 150’s and my cervix was closed. All my blood work came back perfect. The doctor told me this happens a lot to pregnant women and they usually have no answer as to why it does. So we left feeling a little better. About 2 weeks later it happened again. We went straight back to the hospital and were told the same thing. After those scary but uneventful situations, our pregnancy was great. I did have high blood pressure at the very beginning, but it was borderline high, so he put me on a very low dose of Aldomet. Other than that, all was great!
We had our beautiful baby shower when I was 30 weeks. I was the happiest "mommy to be" ever. We had all our family travel to come to it, and I was so excited that my maw-maw was finally getting to see her first grandchild have a baby. This was my dad’s mom and my dad had passed away a few years ago, so she was very excited. Two days after the shower I decided to start cleaning up the house in an "OCD" kind of way. I wanted everything to be very clean and ready for our little baby. I cleaned the entire house. I noticed that I hadn’t felt Peyton move any that day. I thought to myself he probably had moved, but I was so busy all day maybe I didn’t feel him. I invited Larry’s sister, who was 34 weeks pregnant at the time, over for dinner that night. We loved being pregnant together and getting to talk about our pregnancies and compare our different symptoms with each others. Larry’s dad also came by to drop off his baby shower present to us for Peyton. We were so excited! It was the Eddie Bauer Play yard we had been wanting. Larry immediately put it together. Oh my gosh we were so excited, it was all so real now. The crib was put together, the changing table too. He had everything waiting for him. All we needed was our beautiful baby!
Well, I told Tammie, Larry’s sister, that I haven’t felt the baby move all day it seemed. So after we ate dinner I lay on the couch and was trying to get him to move. Nothing ever happened. We had a Doppler we bought for $50.00 when I was 12 weeks pregnant. I used it all the time because I was so paranoid and wanted everything to be just right. So, Larry hooked it up and it immediately didn’t sound like it usually did. We usually had a hard time finding the heartbeat at first, but would usually find it after about 10 minutes of searching. We didn’t hear anything. We were thinking maybe he switched positions or something and it was hard to hear. Just to play it safe we headed to the hospital so they could check me with the professional Doppler. They brought me into a room with other women who were pregnant and getting monitored. I could hear their baby’s heartbeats on the machine. I was thinking to myself, "ok, these women were scared too, and they can hear their baby’s heartbeat now, so I should be fine too." Well, they couldn’t find Peyton’s heartbeat either.
At this time it was midnight. The nurse told me she was going to call my OBGYN in to do an ultrasound. I was thinking this was very strange to call in my doctor so late just to do an ultrasound. My husband knew what was happening because he is a RN in the same hospital we were in. He knew their procedures. He didn’t let me know that until after everything happened and we were home. My doctor came into the room and sat on the bed next to me and placed the ultrasound on me and then looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "I’m so sorry, there is no heartbeat", the nurses, me, Larry, and our doctor were crying. I kept saying that I was having a nightmare! I thought I was going to blackout. I surely thought they were going to send us home saying Peyton was just turned and he was fine. But that is not what happened.
Larry called my mom and his sisters and dad. They all came up to the hospital. Everyone was devastated. It was so unreal. I felt like I was having an outer body experience. I felt like I could die and not even care. I was the saddest I had ever been in my entire life. The doctor told us to come back up there at 11pm the next night to start the induction process. I almost fainted, induction? It had never hit me that we were going to have to deliver him dead. We left the hospital at 2:00 AM and went straight to the chapel at our local church parish and cried our eyes out! There we were me, my husband, and our baby who was not alive in my stomach. I have never felt that much sadness ever! We went home afterwards and my mom, his dad, and his sisters were at our house. They had moved everything that was Peyton’s into his room and out of our sight.
That was the hardest night of my life. All we did was cry uncontrollably. My mom had stayed the night with us and in the morning we had all of our family and friends there to support us and help us through what would soon become one of the most heart wrenching stories of our life.
We got all of our things together to bring to the hospital, and an outfit that some ladies at church made for Peyton when they found out. We checked into the hospital at 11pm and started the induction process. It took a total of 36 hours before we delivered him. He weighed 3.2 lbs and was 16 ¼ inches long. He was absolutely beautiful and perfect! The doctor showed my mom and Larry where the umbilical cord had been twisted so tight around his leg that when he would kick, it was steadily twisting it, causing it to coil up like a coiled phone cord, which then caused it to narrow at his belly button cutting off his supply.
It’s scary that the very thing that gives you life, can take your life. We got to have him with us for 5 hours. A photographer from "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep", a national organization that photographers volunteer for to take pictures of stillborn babies, came and took the most beautiful photos ever. It was the saddest day and happiest day of my life all at the same time. I can remember every inch of him. There are so many things I wish I could have done, or thought about doing, but we were all in shock. It has been very hard. He was so wanted in every way and by everyone. We had his funeral 2 days after we got out of the hospital. It was so beautiful! The church was filled with all our family and friends. He was so loved already.
My feelings change from day to day. I’m scared we won’t be able to conceive again because it took so long the first time. I am scared I won’t love another baby or bond with another pregnancy like I did with Peyton. So many things run through my mind. My husband scheduled his varicocele surgery 3 weeks after Peyton died. The doctor said it should work to increase his morphology. All we can do is pray now. Larry’s sister Tammie had her baby just 6 weeks ago. I thought it was going to be hard, but I found comfort in being with baby Izzie. I guess because we were pregnant together and I feel that bond with her. It has now been almost 2 and a half months since Peyton has died, and it still feels as fresh as the day it happened. We pray and hope that we will be able to get pregnant again soon. I know he is our little saint in heaven, but I feel selfish that I want him here with us. I know God’s plan is a perfect plan, but I just wonder, why our baby.
Here is a video of our baby:
We got pregnant on our 3 year anniversary! You could not imagine how excited we were. I couldn’t even wait for him to get home to tell him. I called him at the hospital where he works and he started crying and was in complete shock that we finally did it! This was THE MOST happiest time of our life! I had been praying nonstop for God to bless us with a baby, and I felt t his was the answer to our many prayers. I offered up Rosary after Rosary and even told God that if His will was not for us to become parents, then to point us in the direction we were supposed to be in. Well, our prayers were definitely answered!
Larry was hoping for a boy, and I of course wanted a girl. We found out we were having a boy, and all that about me wanting a girl went out of the window! I was so excited about my little man! We were so excited we were finally pregnant, that we went to Target and bought baby stuff. We even started buying diapers and little outfits. At 16 weeks I had a little spotting. I have never been so scared in my entire life. I was at work and left immediately and called Larry to meet me at the hospital. They examined me and everything was fine, the baby’s heart rate was in the 150’s and my cervix was closed. All my blood work came back perfect. The doctor told me this happens a lot to pregnant women and they usually have no answer as to why it does. So we left feeling a little better. About 2 weeks later it happened again. We went straight back to the hospital and were told the same thing. After those scary but uneventful situations, our pregnancy was great. I did have high blood pressure at the very beginning, but it was borderline high, so he put me on a very low dose of Aldomet. Other than that, all was great!
We had our beautiful baby shower when I was 30 weeks. I was the happiest "mommy to be" ever. We had all our family travel to come to it, and I was so excited that my maw-maw was finally getting to see her first grandchild have a baby. This was my dad’s mom and my dad had passed away a few years ago, so she was very excited. Two days after the shower I decided to start cleaning up the house in an "OCD" kind of way. I wanted everything to be very clean and ready for our little baby. I cleaned the entire house. I noticed that I hadn’t felt Peyton move any that day. I thought to myself he probably had moved, but I was so busy all day maybe I didn’t feel him. I invited Larry’s sister, who was 34 weeks pregnant at the time, over for dinner that night. We loved being pregnant together and getting to talk about our pregnancies and compare our different symptoms with each others. Larry’s dad also came by to drop off his baby shower present to us for Peyton. We were so excited! It was the Eddie Bauer Play yard we had been wanting. Larry immediately put it together. Oh my gosh we were so excited, it was all so real now. The crib was put together, the changing table too. He had everything waiting for him. All we needed was our beautiful baby!
Well, I told Tammie, Larry’s sister, that I haven’t felt the baby move all day it seemed. So after we ate dinner I lay on the couch and was trying to get him to move. Nothing ever happened. We had a Doppler we bought for $50.00 when I was 12 weeks pregnant. I used it all the time because I was so paranoid and wanted everything to be just right. So, Larry hooked it up and it immediately didn’t sound like it usually did. We usually had a hard time finding the heartbeat at first, but would usually find it after about 10 minutes of searching. We didn’t hear anything. We were thinking maybe he switched positions or something and it was hard to hear. Just to play it safe we headed to the hospital so they could check me with the professional Doppler. They brought me into a room with other women who were pregnant and getting monitored. I could hear their baby’s heartbeats on the machine. I was thinking to myself, "ok, these women were scared too, and they can hear their baby’s heartbeat now, so I should be fine too." Well, they couldn’t find Peyton’s heartbeat either.
At this time it was midnight. The nurse told me she was going to call my OBGYN in to do an ultrasound. I was thinking this was very strange to call in my doctor so late just to do an ultrasound. My husband knew what was happening because he is a RN in the same hospital we were in. He knew their procedures. He didn’t let me know that until after everything happened and we were home. My doctor came into the room and sat on the bed next to me and placed the ultrasound on me and then looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "I’m so sorry, there is no heartbeat", the nurses, me, Larry, and our doctor were crying. I kept saying that I was having a nightmare! I thought I was going to blackout. I surely thought they were going to send us home saying Peyton was just turned and he was fine. But that is not what happened.
Larry called my mom and his sisters and dad. They all came up to the hospital. Everyone was devastated. It was so unreal. I felt like I was having an outer body experience. I felt like I could die and not even care. I was the saddest I had ever been in my entire life. The doctor told us to come back up there at 11pm the next night to start the induction process. I almost fainted, induction? It had never hit me that we were going to have to deliver him dead. We left the hospital at 2:00 AM and went straight to the chapel at our local church parish and cried our eyes out! There we were me, my husband, and our baby who was not alive in my stomach. I have never felt that much sadness ever! We went home afterwards and my mom, his dad, and his sisters were at our house. They had moved everything that was Peyton’s into his room and out of our sight.
That was the hardest night of my life. All we did was cry uncontrollably. My mom had stayed the night with us and in the morning we had all of our family and friends there to support us and help us through what would soon become one of the most heart wrenching stories of our life.
We got all of our things together to bring to the hospital, and an outfit that some ladies at church made for Peyton when they found out. We checked into the hospital at 11pm and started the induction process. It took a total of 36 hours before we delivered him. He weighed 3.2 lbs and was 16 ¼ inches long. He was absolutely beautiful and perfect! The doctor showed my mom and Larry where the umbilical cord had been twisted so tight around his leg that when he would kick, it was steadily twisting it, causing it to coil up like a coiled phone cord, which then caused it to narrow at his belly button cutting off his supply.
It’s scary that the very thing that gives you life, can take your life. We got to have him with us for 5 hours. A photographer from "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep", a national organization that photographers volunteer for to take pictures of stillborn babies, came and took the most beautiful photos ever. It was the saddest day and happiest day of my life all at the same time. I can remember every inch of him. There are so many things I wish I could have done, or thought about doing, but we were all in shock. It has been very hard. He was so wanted in every way and by everyone. We had his funeral 2 days after we got out of the hospital. It was so beautiful! The church was filled with all our family and friends. He was so loved already.
My feelings change from day to day. I’m scared we won’t be able to conceive again because it took so long the first time. I am scared I won’t love another baby or bond with another pregnancy like I did with Peyton. So many things run through my mind. My husband scheduled his varicocele surgery 3 weeks after Peyton died. The doctor said it should work to increase his morphology. All we can do is pray now. Larry’s sister Tammie had her baby just 6 weeks ago. I thought it was going to be hard, but I found comfort in being with baby Izzie. I guess because we were pregnant together and I feel that bond with her. It has now been almost 2 and a half months since Peyton has died, and it still feels as fresh as the day it happened. We pray and hope that we will be able to get pregnant again soon. I know he is our little saint in heaven, but I feel selfish that I want him here with us. I know God’s plan is a perfect plan, but I just wonder, why our baby.
Here is a video of our baby:
I am sitting on my couch crying my eyes out! I am so, so sorry...still. I just wish there was something to say or do. I hope you and Lydia both find peace soon. Much Love. Jheri
ReplyDeleteI know Jheri. I just wish this wouldn't have happened!!
ReplyDelete